Jeff Johnson -- ordinarily such a well-behaved young feller -- sent us the following... with the notation: Subject: Tuba mirum spargens sonum Maybe this is what Mozart meant. ;-)

HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND When requesting a song from the band just say, "Play my song!" They have chips implanted in their heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague. They love the challenge. If they say they really don't remember that tune you want, they're only kidding. A few more hints: Bands actually do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog their memory, or just repeat your request over and over again. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of Personal Friend of the Band. You can bet your request will be the next song they play. Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. They don't actually make set lists or rehearse songs. They mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters. Once you've figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If it's a big band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera. Likewise, if it's a Latin band, be sure to request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical horizons, and it's your job to see that it happens... immediately. TALKING WITH THE BAND The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at the same time. Their hearing is so advanced that they can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them. And they can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that they're in the middle of the chorus. A few more tips: Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over-emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. They love this. IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

On Dec. 8, 2008 (the day of the Immaculate Conception, Rich, how about that, Rich, huh?) drummer Rich Young (he of the Camaros at the Gold Dust) writes: A BASS PLAYER'S 23RD PSALM The Lord is my drummer, I shall not rush, He maketh me to layout in tasteful places, He leadeth me beside cool meter changes, He restoreth my "one." Yeah, man, though I read through the trickiest of charts, I will fear no train wrecks, For You are with it. Your ride and Your snare they comfort me, You setteth up a solo for me In the presence of mine guitarists, You anointeth my lines with drive, My groove overfloweth. Surely good feel and swing will follow me through all the tunes of each set, And I will dwell in the pocket the whole gig long.

Trumpetmeister John Dodgshon (who at his age ought to know better) whimpers: Baby Boomer Song Titles It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Artists of the 60's are revising their lyrics for aging baby boomers. Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip? Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now! Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone Abba --- Denture Queen! Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore! Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To! And my favorite: Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

Obsessed as we are with sex, everything becomes a metaphor for it. In music, playful songs about food (Frim Fram Sauce, I Want Some Seafood Mama, etc.), cars (Baby You Can Drive My Car, Mustang Sally, etc.), travel (Slow Boat to China, Fly Me to the Moon), and even colors (Blue Moon, Red Sails in the Sunset) are socially acceptable substitutes for unutterable primal urges. In our repression we delight in double entendres. We can chuckle knowingly without actually speaking forbidden words. Perhaps music itself is ultimately just a substitute for sexual pleasure. What does that say about the sex lives of us musicians?

	Claire Callahan Goodman (yes, her) assails -- I mean regales -- us as follows...
	"A great teacher is one who realizes that he himself is also a student and whose goal is not dictate the answers, but to stimulate his students creativity enough so that they go out and find the answers themselves." -- Herbie Hancock
	"To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse. -- Jack Daney
"Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them." -- Richard Strauss	"God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way." -- Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player
"One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play much less bad music." -- Jack Daney	"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." -- Aldous Huxley
"In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy	"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!" -- Gioacchino Rossini
"Music is, by its very nature, essentially powerless to express anything at all. Music expresses itself." -- Igor Stravinsky	"Hell is full of musical amateurs." -- George Bernard Shaw
"The drummer drives. Everybody else rides!" -- Panama Francis	"Some days you get up and put the horn to your chops and it sounds pretty good and you win. Some days you try and nothing works and the horn wins. This goes on and on and then you die and the horn wins." -- Dizzy Gillespie on playing the trumpet
"Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one." -- Duke Ellington	"Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time." -- Ornette Coleman
"We never play anything the same way once." -- Shelly Manne's definition of jazz musicians	"Someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn't." -- Al Cohn's definition of a gentleman
"Music is a very hard instrument." -- Vido Musso	"The only tune they play in 4/4 is 'Take Five!'" -- unknown, talking about the Don Ellis band
"If I could play like Wynton (Marsalis), I wouldn't play like Wynton." -- Chet Baker	"I'm too old to pimp and too young to die so I'm just gon' keep playin'." -- Clark Terry
"Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already." -- Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.	"I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve." -- Xavier Cugat
"Musicians talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art." -- Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home	"Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living." -- Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer
"I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet." -- Nicolo Paganini	"What is the voice of song, when the world lacks the ear of taste?" -- Nathaniel Hawthorne
"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats." -- Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan	"If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation." -- Oscar Wilde
"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together." -- Mel Brooks	"Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years." -- William F. Buckley, Jr.
"You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow." -- Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket	"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain
"Berlioz says nothing in his music, but he says it magnificently." -- James Gibbons Hunekar	"If a young man at the age of twenty-three can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder." -- Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland
"There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major." -- Sergei Prokofiev	"I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?" -- Dimitri Mitropolous
"Already too loud!" -- Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments	"I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere." -- Frederic Chopin
"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano." -- Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller	"I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the twentieth century that has made giant strides in reverse." -- Bing Crosby
"A ponderous orchestral absurdity." -- Frank Zappa on his rock symphony debuted by the Los Angeles Philharmonic	"The bottom line of any country is, what did we contribute to the world? We contributed Louis Armstrong." -- Tony Bennett

An Ugly Way to Spend an Evening Black Orifice Body and Soil Buddy and Saul Bruised Thighs Buy Me a Beer Mister Shane Dental Pain (Gentle Rain) Dingy  Fry Me a Liver The Furry with the Singe on Top Honey Suck My Nose  I Guess I'd Better Change My Pants  I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress  Isn't It Pedantic  I've Thrown a Custard in Her Face  Quaalude for a Kiss  Medication  No Butt for Me (But Not for Me)  TacoBell's Canon in D Minor  Some of these are "courtesy" of Peter Eden. There Never Will Be Another Ewe  Three Little Turds  Trashpants  'Twas on a Pile of Debris that I Found Her    Two Sleazy People What Are You Doing Molesting My Wife?     When I Fall in Mud  When Sunny Sniffs Glue  You'd Be So Nice to Come On To  You'll Never Walk Again

Then, of course, there are the alternate lyrics, e.g.
"The girl with colitis goes by."
(Actual lyric: The girl with kaleidoscope eyes. -- Beatles)
See Brain Candy

Bass saxophonist Hal Richards -- yes him, the guy who put the "ugh" in "ugly" -- thrusts upon us the following. THE HOLY BOOK OF GIGGING: GOD CREATES SIDEMEN (CHAPTER VI, vs. 1-30) "And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; for in those days there were not many, and those he could find were already working. Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago. So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he rent his clothing asunder. And the Lord did say, "Hast thou looked everywhere? Didst thou call the Union?" And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low; and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?" And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying unto him, "Leave Me to think on this!" And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts upon Egypt. And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the land, commanding them to find Him some Sidemen. And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did play the horn with the slide. So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news, and filled with wrath He said, "How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen, as dead oxen do with maggots!" And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have become idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for another Leader." So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while He thought, and at last the answer came unto Him. He did recall that there was a factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in disuse. For it had earlier been used to create Golems, for which there had been no great demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, 'We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen.' And so it was done, and it came to pass that the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line. But somehow a remnant of the Golem program remained, and the Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe. Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Gigging Toga. And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past with ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose. And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp. And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their eyebrows should be. And some did worship the gods Mahavishnu, Sun Ra, Trane, Jaco, Ornette, Cecile, and did therefore mock their Leaders at will. And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests had dined. And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the Guests, and some with the Little Sisters of these, the Chick Singers and the Guests. And some did not Read, and some could only Read, but not Blow. And some could only Read one clef and not another. And some could only Blow in certain keys. And some did Blow the same notes no matter what the "Tune." And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills. And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the Outlook on Life. But every once in a while the line did miraculously produce a Perfect Sideman: One who followed orders without question; One who believed in the hourglass; One who wore the Toga; One whose chariot always ran; One who Knew all "Tunes" in any key. But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned by the rest, for they were boring and knew not how to hang. And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing each other in the back. And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It will do." This is the word of the Lord. Amen, and amen. Announcements: Union prayer meetings - Sundays, 6:00-6:01 am, Union Office. Call early to reserve either chair.

Feigning sympathy for benighted sidemen, Maye Cavallaro subjects us to... Click to to The Gig. Yeah, Maye, been there, done that.

Dear Abby, I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry. A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said, "Sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with." He agreed. Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as brightly as the other three. Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician? Thanks, Very Concerned

My peeve-of-the-month? A singer disease: Pathological vibrato. YOU know what I'm warbling about.

Claire Callahan, a violist (doesn't that say it all?) thrusts upon us the following... An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped, what happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass solo".

Drummer Bruce Felter thinks this is funny. There's this band, and the drummer in this band always drags. The band leader is always on him to pick it up, and get on top of the beat. It never happens, so the band leader has no choice but to fire him. The drummer is so distraught that he goes down to the railway and throws himself behind a train.

Never one to fret over such frivolities as taste or subtlety, Cheri Howard (who is in fact a school teacher) subjects us to these... Actual answers from students on music exams The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. A harp is a nude piano. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

Peter Eden (yes, him again) confesses on my behalf. Thanks a lot, Peter, I'll do my own confessions if you don't mind. Hi, my name is Dan, and I am a sideman. I am sending this because at some point in my musical life I had the opportunity to perform with you. Since that time, I have joined Sidemen Anonymous. This 12-step program helps reforming sidemen deal with their multiple addictions, for example, making disparaging remarks about the talent of the singer, laughing about the singer's inability to sing in time or in tune, and insulting the singer's sad social life... Part of this 12-step program is admitting to and apologizing for past bad behavior and promising to avoid that behavior in the future. Therefore, I would like you to forgive me for the following: Calling you a no-talent bum behind your back. Snickering about your inability to count and rolling my eyes at the pianist on every missed entrance. Playing musical jokes then laughing with the other sidemen when you don't notice. Ending every song in an entire gig (including ballads) with the "Blackbird ending". I promise to make an effort, one day at a time, to refrain from being caustic and cynical about the people that I play with. I promise not to say that with my talent I should be playing with Wayne Shorter not some no-talent lounge singer. "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, (like your inability to sing), courage to change the things we can (I could just try to find other gigs) and the wisdom to know the difference. (Guess I'll just keep playing with you until Wayne calls me to join his tour.)" Hi, my name is Peter and I am a violist.... But that's the subject of another letter. Peter

Name this tune...

So whaddya think of these?!! Keep Dramamine handy.

Taking no chances of being accused of good taste, Rich Young subjects us to yet another... Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or maybe "Are you the one who killed my brother?" Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, What am I going to eat next? Who am I going to screw next? and, Can I run fast enough to get away? They are very much like the French in that." Hasn't everyone already heard this one? Not resting on his laurels (is that what you call them?) he proceeds to the following... A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano and sets it on the counter. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Before long, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?" Then there's... A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of bassoonists. They called down to ground control with the list of their demands and threatened that if their demands weren't met, they would release one bassoonist every hour. And... Q: What is the main requirement at the International Viola Competition? A: Hold the viola from memory Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo. Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? A: About three decibels. Q: What is another term for trombone? A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A: A bad oboist can kill you. Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A: So they can park in the handicapped zones. Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q: Why do people play trombone? A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? A: Put it in a viola case. Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: You can tune a chainsaw. Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway? A: Seven - if you lay them out correctly. Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike? A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range. Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant? A: Eleven pounds. Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek? A: Some conductors actually read Greek. Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch. Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed? Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison? A: Hand them charts a half-step apart. Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road? A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A singer. Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies? A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag. Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard? A: Stop laughing and shoot again. Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!! Soprano Solfege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!! Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor? A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn. Q: What do all great conductors have in common? A: They're all dead. Q: What's the definition of optimism? A: A bass trombonist with a beeper. Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player? A: Back up. Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car? A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? A: Cut the noose. Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player? A: His amp. Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune? A: Shoot two of them. Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they have machines for that now. Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza. Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band? A: "When do we get to play MY songs?" Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacuum cleaner? A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks. Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree? A: Night manager at McDonalds Q: Why are violas larger than violins? A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller. Q: How are trumpet players like pirates? A: They're both murder on the high Cs. A jazz pianist dies and finds himself in heaven. He runs into an old friend and says, "Bob, you made it too, that's great." "Yeah, turns out God's a big jazz fan. All of the cats are here, and every day is a non-stop jam session with a never-ending supply of wine, women and food. There's just one drawback." "What's that?" "Well, God has a girlfriend, and she's a singer." But he doesn't stop there, oh no... Evidently trombonists are an endangered species; no one will reproduce with them.

The Star Spangled Banner from the Percussionist's Perspective Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH At the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM,CRASH Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH O'er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH Were so gallantly streaming? 3 & 1...2...3... 2...2...3... 3...2...3... 4...2...3... 5...2...3... 6...2...3... 7...2...3... 8...2...Oh, BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

John Calloway has yet to learn his lesson... Defying all wisdom, he writes: Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2006 17:50:46 -0700 Subject: Re: [jazzcamp] Three notes walk into a bar... From: John Calloway To: Dan Keller Oh yes! And I went, Oh no, when I saw the joke there. I shall be humbled. J. Yeah, sure, John, humble, uh huh. OK, email slap me if you already have seen this one a thousand times. It's my first! Peace... John C. Three notes walk into a bar... A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenors as patrons, and the soprano is out in the bathroom, everything has become altoo much treble; he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

Bill Turlock, who ought to know better, sent us these... What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music. What's the least-used sentence in the English language? "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?" Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise. What's a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire. What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.

On Fri, 21 Nov 2003 07:38:06 -0800, a nameless but extraordinarily handsome fellow who prefers to remain anonymous (gosh, why? we ask ourselves) writes: Believe me, chicks dig this stuff. 1. "What's your sign?" 2. "Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?" 3. "You must be a broom because you're sweeping me off my feet." 4. "Do you have a license? Because you're driving me crazy." 5. "I gotta thirst and baby, you look like my Gatorade." 6. "Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here." 7. "Are you religious? Because you're the answer to all my prayers." 8. "Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas." 9. "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?" 10. "Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?" But what does this have to do with musicians? Oops, dumb question.

Sally Nielsen (she of the San Francisco Bach Choir) subjects us to this one... C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suite with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.

Conductors' Motivational Words Courtesy of the, um, irrepressable Phil Glatz. "Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato." "Pianissimo doesn't mean 'Drop the f*** out.'" "Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion." "Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way." "It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does." "You know, there's a fine line between artistry and s***. Not that what you're doing is s***, but it's close to it" "Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do." "Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear.'" "Play short, especially if you don't know where you are." "That was a drive-by viola solo." "Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up." "There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch some." "Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, sorry, there's no time for existential questions right now." "The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26." "You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I." "Play as if you were musicians."

And more from Phil... Q: What is more romantic than roses on a piano? A: Tulips on an organ. Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease." Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2007 From: Phil Glatz To: Dan Keller Subject: Re: more organ jokes Dan Keller wrote: > Ok, thanks. > I have added them to the musician jokes site... > Your immortality grows. more like immorality

Q: How many players of a certain instrument does it take to perform a particular rudimentary musical activity? A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to exhibit a crude behavior related to some characteristic of the instrument. But it's not funny anymore.

Jerry Garcia awoke in a fabulously-equipped recording studio, surrounded by instruments. Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano. Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up. As he plugged into his amp, an awestruck Garcia murmured, "Wow! There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven!" Elvis Presley said to him, "Heaven?" just as Karen Carpenter sat down at the drums and said, "Okay, people. 'Close To You' in E-flat. One, two, three, four..."

On Jan. 4, 2005, drummer Rich Young (Hey Rich, give it a rest, huh?) writes: "This comes from my buddy Jimmy O'Donnell, great guitarist in NYC. Happy musical New Year to you all!!" Yeah, Rich. Uh huh, Rich. Jazz Math by Bill Anschell If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional to # (drinks he has consumed). 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with drummer. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally) = annual income of Jamie Aebersold, in dollars. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ... 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for gig). 1 uptempo tune +1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first) 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = >1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity. Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley from hell (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d ) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp eggrolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people? Would you take it for 1/2 that much? (If yes): Desperation/pride > 1 After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for 1/2 as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but 1/2 as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing? If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck? If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer? If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has larger genitalia? Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer, or against one another? If (% of Americans who like jazz) (% of Americans who like chainsaw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form? And yet another "duly noted" variation on the notes-go-into-a-bar... sigh... In an attempt at self-defense, Rich says: You can blame it on Dale Ockerman, former Doobie Brothers keyboard guy for the better part of a decade. Hrrumph. We'll blame it on him for as long as we like, thanks very much. C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. The bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.

Yet another screed from Rich... Subject: FW: New translation found!! Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2006 FROM THE BOOK OF JOB (A newly discovered translation from the original Sumerian Gig Book) And so it came to pass, during one evening's performance, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand. And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, saying "My children, why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Overtime? Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List, and allowed thee to blow on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes on the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not play Motown selections at the proper Tempi? And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou needst not Fake Parts? So why dost thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson Song, or The Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?" And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; We fear the Young Ones with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walkers; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear the Relatives from the Great Southwest, as well as those from California, and from New York; Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner, and the Room Captain; But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader." And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it down into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Microphone stand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder. And the Leader turned to the Party Planner, and he said, "Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil." And he turned to the Room Captain, and he said, "I will leave by the Lobby Entrance". Next he turned to the Bride, and he said "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it upon your person where thy Groom may find it during the first night of your Honeymoon". And the Leader spoke unto the Bride's Mother, saying "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled, Bratty Turd. May it come to pass that she will divorce her Callow Husband and return to live with thee, along with her three screaming children for the rest of thy Natural Life". And finally the Leader spoke unto the Saxophonist, saying "The band is yours, Zoot." Then the Leader went to his home where he slept deeply and soundly. The next day he awoke smiling, and began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.

From: "Fred Weed" To: "Dan Keller" Subject: Yet another viola joke Q: What's the difference between a viola player and a prostitute? A: The prostitute knows more positions! *rimshot* Happy New Year! Fred.

From: Phil Glatz A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "I'm sorry; we don't serve minors." The D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.

From: Phil Glatz (he got it here) The Long Beach band was doing its best, when someone called the piccolo player a bastard. The leader's baton beat a tattoo on his music stand and the players became silent. He turned to the audience. "Who called my piccolo player a bastard?" he demanded. A voice in the rear of the crowd yelled back: "Who called that bastard a piccolo player?"

But wait, there's more... The very next day, a C, an E-flat, and a G-flat walked into the very same bar, and their minor problem had diminished. But, what happened to the booze? It went flat! Later their drinking privileges were suspended.

From "Hollywood Squares" Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: "If you hold their little heads under water long enough."

Attempting to defend herself, hapless Melissa writes... From: Melissa Collard Subject: Re: Use a Bone, Go To Jail Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2006 To: Dan Keller Hi Dan, Well yes, I guess "funny" was too strong a word. But then it was made by a trombonist. Paul Lynde is always wicked funny. Mel

Linda Wiggins observed that David Koresh was not the first guitar player who thought he was God. Herb Caen (when he was still living and writing, of course) liked that and printed it and gave her credit. And she plays piano, too!

To: JazzCampWest Yahoo Group
From: Christina de Souza
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2003 17:16:53 -0700 (PDT) 

Yogi Berra on jazz Interviewer: Can you explain jazz? Yogi Berra: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, it's right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong. I: I don't understand. Y: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it. I: Do you understand it? Y: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it. I: Are there any great jazz players alive today? Y: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it. I: What is syncopation? Y: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds. I: Now I really don't understand. Y: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.

From: "Robert S. Ringwald"
Subject: audition tape for Mel's show
Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 13:13:52 -0800

Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2003 18:31:24 EDT
Subject: Fwd: Fw: FW: Sacaphone Playing

Hi guy,

A) Hope this gets to you

B) Hope you find it amusing

Till whenever,
Cheri

Yah, yah, pick on the bass players, we're strong, we can handle it. The nugget of truth in this apocryphum is the comment about God's wrath being inflicted in the form of the soprano saxophone. Now THERE'S a pestilence of Biblical proportion. Hmph! ((:-))) Dan Keller At 10:13 AM 7/26/2003 -0700, Peter MacDonough wrote: The Life and Art of Bass Playing by Tony Levin In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... Definitely pre-C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try). And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at His handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. Andhe did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so.

The Clave Police started as an informal watchdog group by Mike Spiro in the late 1980s and early 90s that initially attempted to correct and/or align all forms of "crossed clave" playing, be it in parts, melodies, solos and arrangements. They have, however, gotten quite out of hand and caused much fear amongst even the most experienced players, as they seem to show up out of nowhere to try and intimidate people into playing "on clave," even in those styles that are not based on Afro-Cuban music, like Country, R&B, and Classical music. Further, they have become somewhat of a clandestine group, without the identifying hats and shirts. They were most recently seen at Jazzcamp West, showing up out of nowhere during combo rehearsals, in dark shades, almost CIA in nature, proclaiming the music or phrases were out of clave, actually pulling people out of rehearsals to "counsel them" about correct clave playing. Folks this is serious, and most of you have not yet even seen the East Coast "Rumbero" SIV (Special Investigative Units) for severe cases of clave mismanagement, that bust even the professionals at Afro-Cuban rumbas and jam sessions. Their opening line to clave offenders is usually, "Step away from the drum." I will do my best to identify them when I am out there, but beware, some of them (us) are double agents! J.C. for JCW (for a Just Clave World) Clave Police Community Outreach Continuing their traditional role in our community "To Serve and Protect," the Clave Police here gently demonstrate to a grateful citizen the correct technique for distinguishing the two side from the three side of the clave rhythm.

Q: How many vibraphone players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What's a vibraphone player? They teased the poor viola player, saying "you can't even play sixteenth notes!". So she played one. Q: How many saxophone players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he must go through an entire box before he finds one he likes. Q: What's the difference between a baby and an opera director? A: A baby sucks his fingers. Q: Did you hear about the two trombone players who walked past a bar? Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche. Oboe : An ill wind that nobody blows any good. Q: What's an alto? A: A soprano who can read music. Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? A: Altos have more hair on their backs. A geek is someone who owns an Eb clarinet. See also this collection of choral jokes... (You want even more punishment?? ;-)

Musical Terms Adagio Formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner. AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow. Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone. Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall. A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping. Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument you regret playing. Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer. Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch. Bar Line: What musicians form after a concert. Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance. Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period). Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs. Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes. Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and... Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value. Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear. Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument. Gaul Blatter: A French horn player. Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance. Gregorian Champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest. Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder. Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful. Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending. Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists. Poochini Musical: performance, accompanied by a dog. Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it." Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional). Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor. Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells. Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

Yet more from Melissa Collard, in the Phil Glatz vein (no improv?) This year's new definitions: Obbligato: being forced to practice Con Moto: yeah baby, I have a car Allegro: a little car Metronome: short, city musician who can fit into a Honda Civic Lento: the days leading up to Easto Largo: beer brewed in Germany or the Florida Keys Piu Animato: clean out the cat's litter box Con Spirito: drunk again Colla Voce: this shirt is so tight I can't sing Improvisation: what you do when the music falls down Prelude: warm-up before the clever stuff Flats: English apartments Chords: things organists play with one finger Discords: thing that organists play with two fingers Suspended Chords: useful for lynching the vocalist Time Signatures: things for drummers to ignore Melody: an ancient, now almost extinct art in songwriting Klavierstuck: A term used by German furniture movers attempting to get a piano through a narrow doorway. Music Stand: An intricate device used to hold music. Comes in two sizes- too high or too low: always broken. Tonic: A medicinal drink consumed in great quantity before a performance, and in greater quantity afterwards. Dominant: What parents must be if they expect their children to practice. Concert Hall: A place where large audiences gather, for the sole purpose of removing paper wrappings from candy and gum. Soto Voce: singing while drunk Agogic: playing high enough on an oboe to make the eyes bulge. Cadenza: slapping noise on office furniture Fandango: grabbing the pull chain on the ceiling fan Prima Volta: jump start with a battery Refrain: proper technique for playing bagpipes Smorzando: with melted chocolate and marshmallow

Date: Sat, 5 Apr 2003 16:32:17 -0800 (PST) Subject: [jcw] Fwd: [Fwd: Fw: Bandleader - A classic] From: Christina de Souza An Old One... Still a Classic Dear Bandleader: We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. Please play these during the reception: A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for full ensemble in the key of B but nothing in 4/4 please. Mahavishu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we liked his use of polyrhythms. One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharoah Sanders. Our guests love high register tenor saxes. We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. So, please play "The Rite of Spring". We like a tempo of about 1/4 note=93 and transpose it down a minor 3rd -- it will be so much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register. Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo". The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D- she has kind of a high voice. When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a little of Varese's "Ionization".It's such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than the "The Stripper". And for the bride and groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio for strings". It's so much better than "We've only just begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz". When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear." It's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby, it would mean so much to the family. Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome, we'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends. We'll have your check for the fee of $250.00 (minus our expenses in contacting you of $12.50) by the end of next month; we're a little short, as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his $2,500 as normal. Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need for money, and that you would welcome the EXPOSURE you would get from playing this wedding. Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the butler). Please use the back entrance to avoid disturbing the guests. Sincerely yours, Alice Rockefeller Gates

Date: Tue, 1 Apr 2003 19:52:41 -0800 (PST) Subject: [jcw] Fwd: Fw: Stanley Crouch Apologizes? From: "Skip Elliott Bowman" To: "Ron Steen" Black and White and Blues All Over by Stanley Crouch In the last issue of Jazz Times, I expressed my dismay at white jazz critics hoisting White musicians like Dave Douglas to the top of the jazz pantheon. At the time, I implied that these critics were only doing this as a reaction to their lack of musical talent and resentment of Black artists in general. Envy was the root of this evil, and money from billion dollar media conglomerates like Atavistic, Free Music Productions and Okka Disk. I've had a change of heart since I wrote those words. I went back and listened to Douglas play on the Masada recordings. And his fusion recordings with trumpeter Cuong Vu. And his Tiny Bell trio recordings. Damn, that brother can play! Sure, it's Balkan music, but did you know "Balkan Music" can be re-arranged to spell "Blak Musician"? There was something more to Brother Dave than meets the eye. I consulted my avant-garde news clipping collection and it was obvious. In 1993, he participated in a trumpet mouth piece exchange program with Freddie Hubbard, Roy Hargrove and Waddada Leo Smith. Isn't it obvious? Douglas' saliva intermingled with the saliva of the best Black trumpeters of his generation, creating a new multi-ethnic super Trumpet God. What to do? Should I tell the world about my latest discovery? How will the world deal with a new aesthetic messiah? I decided to consult the previous Trumpet God, Wynton Marsalis, a man who simultaneously invented the Internet and the bossa nova while a freshman at the Julliard School of Music. He would know what to do. Wynton was taking a well deserved break from this latest project, a multimedia ballet where he composes the music and choreography, plays all the parts in the 19 piece trumpet orchestra and does the dancing. Damn, the brother even does the computer programming for the DVD-ROM release of the ballet. But I digress. There was no point in delaying, Wynton already knew something was amiss. He emerged from his tanning booth, snapped at me and said: "There is a disturbance in the Force." Wynton wasn't wasting any time: "Brother Stanley, I know you have been susceptible to White music ever since you discovered you were half-Swedish. I will forgive your transgression this time. Dave has been trained well and it is understandable that you find his music enjoyable. Here are my instructions to you. Do not fail me, for if you do, your free tickets at the Lincoln Center shall be revoked. "Go out and proclaim the virtues of Dave Douglas. Let the world know of his skill, virtuosity and swing. You may even praise him in your pathetic little Jazz Times column. Then tell the world that I, your one and only Trumpet God Wynton, do hereby challenge Dave Douglas to a cutting contest. On April 25, 2003 at 9 pm, I will meet Dave at the Lennox Lounge in Harlem and we shall do battle. And it shall be terrible. But promise your readers this: only one shall stand swinging at the end and it shall be me, Wynton, the Alpha and the Omega of the Trumpet. Amen. Praise be to me." Indeed, all praise Wynton. end text Ron, before you send this out, take a look at today's date.

for your jokes... from my buddy Stu Scharf (www.stuie.net)

                     DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG
                     ***********************************

I met her ____________ ____________;  I can still recall _______________ she
               (1)         (2)                                (3)

1  on the highway        2  in September             3  that purple dress
   near Altoona             at McDonald's               that little hat
   outside Fresno           ridin' shotgun              that burlap bra
   in Sheboygan             wrestlin' gators            those training pants
   on probation             all hunched over            the stolen goods
   at a truck stop          poppin' uppers              that plastic nose
   in a nightmare           sort of pregnant            the Stassin pin
   in a jail cell           with jogger                 the neon sign
   in the Stone Age         stoned on oatmeal           that creepy smile
   in a treehouse           with Merv Griffin           the hearing aid
   in a gay bar             dead all over               the orange wig
   incognito                hustlin' Martians           the boxer shorts


wore; She was _____________ _____________,
                   (4)           (5)

4  sobbin' at the toll booth          5  in the twilight
   drinkin' Dr. Pepper                   but I loved her
   weighted down with Twinkies           by the off-ramp
   breakin' out with acne                near Poughkeepsie
   crawlin' through the prairie          with her cobra
   smellin' kind of funny                when she shot me
   crashin' through the guardrail        on her elbows
   chewin' on a hangnail                 with Led-Zeppelin
   talkin' in Swahili                    with Miss Piggy
   drownin' in the quicksand             with a wetback
   quotin' Al Pacino                     screamin' "May Day!"
   slurpin' up linguini                  in her muu-muu


and I knew _____________; _________________ I'd _________________ forever;
              (6)               (7)                   (8)

6                                      7                         8
no guy would ever love her more        I promised her          stay with her
that she would be an easy score        I knew deep down        warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store   She asked me if         swear off
booze
that she would be a crashing bore      I told her shrink       change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"       The judge declared      punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore      My Pooh Bear said       live off her
it was a raven, nothing more           I shrieked in pain      have my rash
we really lost the last World War      The painters knew       stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor   A Klingon said          hate her dog
what strong deodourants were for       My hamster thought      pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core        The blood test showed   play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor      Her rabbi said          salivate


She said to me _______________; But who'd have thought she'd ______________
                   (9)                                            (10)

    9  our love would never die                             10  run off
       there was no other guy                                   wind up
       man wasn't meant to fly                                  boogie
       that Nixon didn't lie                                    yodel
       her basset hound was shy                                 sky dive
       that Rolaids made her high                               turn green
       she'd have a swiss on rye                                freak out
       she loved my one blue eye                                blast off
       her brother's name was Hy                                make it
       she liked "Spy vs. Spy"                                  black out
       that birthdays made her cry                              bobsled
       she couldn't stand my tie                                grovel



__________________; ________________________ goodbye.
       (11)                   (12)


11  with my best friend        12  You'd think at least that she'd have said
    in my Edsel                    I never had the chance to say
    on a surfboard                 She told her fat friend Grace to say
    on "The Gong Show"             I now can kiss my credit cards
    with her dentist               I guess I was too smashed to say
    on her "Workmate"              I watched her melt away and sobbed
    with a robot                   She fell beneath the wheels and cried
    with no clothes on             She sent a hired thug to say
    at her health club             She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
    in her Maytag                  I pushed her off the bridge and waved
    with her guru                  But that's the way that pygmies say
    while in labor                 She sealed me in the vault and smirked

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." -- Hunter Thompson

Brian Eno     From: Peter Langston     Date: Tue, 4 Jun 96 15:48:20 -0700     To: uunet!langston.com!Fun_People     Subject: The "Microsoft Sound"     Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic     Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan     Forwarded-by: Andrew Haley You know that little arpeggiated chord that starts Windows '95? Well, there's more to it than I thought. I wonder if it's the shortest commissioned composition in musical history? Q and A With Brian Eno Joel Selvin JOEL SELVIN, CHRONICLE POP MUSIC CRITIC Q: How did you come to compose ``The Microsoft Sound''? A: The idea came up at a time when I was completely bereft of ideas. I'd been working on my own music for a while and was quite lost, actually. And I really appreciated someone coming along and saying, ``Here's a specific problem -- solve it.'' The thing from the agency said, ``We want a piece of music that is inspiring, universal, blah- blah, da-da-da, optimistic, futuristic, sentimental, emotional,'' this whole list of adjectives, and then at the bottom it said ``and it must be 3 1/4 seconds long.'' I thought this was so funny and an amazing thought to actually try to make a little piece of music. It's like making a tiny little jewel. In fact, I made 84 pieces. I got completely into this world of tiny, tiny little pieces of music. I was so sensitive to microseconds at the end of this that it really broke a logjam in my own work. Then when I'd finished that and I went back to working with pieces that were like three minutes long, it seemed like oceans of time.

My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer.         -- Cole Porter

Don't bother to look, I've composed that already.         -- Gustav Mahler to Bruno Walter

I would rather play "Chiquita Banana" and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve.         -- Xavier Cugat

[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art.         -- Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.

The amount of money one needs is terrifying.         -- Ludwig van Beethoven

Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.         -- Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer

I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet.         -- Niccolo Paganini

If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation.         -- Oscar Wilde

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.         -- Mel Brooks

Life can't be all bad when for 10 dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for 10 years.         -- William F. Buckley Jr.

You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow.         -- Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.         -- Mark Twain

I love Beethoven, especially the poems.         -- Ringo Starr

If a young man at the age of 23 can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder.         -- Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland

There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major.         -- Sergei Prokofiev

I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?         -- Dimitri Mitropoulos

God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way.         -- Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player

Already too loud!         -- Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, as the players reached for their instruments

When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.         -- Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller

Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them.         -- Richard Strauss

In opera, there is always too much singing.         -- Claude Debussy

Oh how wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no singers!         -- Gioacchino Rossini

Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 10:54:22 -0800 Subject: [jcw] Paul Desmond's humor Some funnies from the witty world of Paul Desmond "I have won several prizes as the world's slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness." "I was unfashionable before anyone knew who I was." "I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast." "I think I had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to sound like a dry martini." On the secret of his tone: "I honestly don't know! It has something to do with the fact that I play illegally." When asked by Gene Lees what accounted for the melancholy in his playing he replied, "Wellllll, that I'm not playing better." He was an English major in college. His reason for not pursuing a literary career, "I could only write at the beach, and I kept getting sand in my typewriter." "Writing is like jazz. It can be learned, but it can't be taught." Of writer Jack Kerouac he said, "I hate the way he writes. I kind of love the way he lives, though." Of Vogue fashion models, he said, "Sometimes they go around with guys who are scuffling -- for a while. But usually they end up marrying some cat with a factory. This is the way the world ends, not with a whim but a banker." "Sometimes I get the feeling that there are orgies going on all over New York City, and somebody says, `Let's call Desmond,' and somebody else says, 'Why bother? He's probably home reading the Encyclopedia Britannica.'" His response to the annoying banality of an interviewer, "You're beginning to sound like a cross between David Frost and David Susskind, and that is a cross I cannot bear." Shortly before the Dave Brubeck Quartet disbanded, "We're working as if it were going out of style -- which of course it is." Of yogurt he said, "I don't like it, but Dave is always trying things like that. He's a nutritional masochist. He'll eat anything as long as he figures it's good for him." Of contact lenses: "Not for me. If I want to tune everybody out, I just take off my glasses and enjoy the haze" On Ornette Coleman's playing, "It's like living in a house where everything's painted red." Doug Ramsey wrote that Desmond on seeing Barbara Jones' oil painting of four cats stalking a mouse said, "Ah, the perfect album cover for when I record with the Modern Jazz Quartet." Ramsey pointed out that the mouse was mechanical and Desmond responded, "In that case, Cannonball will have to make the record." Desmond's fondness for scotch was well known. So in early 1976 when a physical examination showed lung cancer, he was ironically pleased that his liver was fine. "Pristine, perfect. One of the great livers of our time. Awash in Dewars and full of health."

Children's Answers in Music Education Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

From: Phil Glatz Subject: Fwd: ;) Music from the mouth of babes The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. An opera is a song of bigly size. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. My favorite composer is Opus. A harp is a nude piano. A tuba is much larger than its name. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS! A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so. Tubas are a bit too much. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best? My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Date: Tue, 3 Apr 2001 19:56:24 EDT
Subject: heard this?

A jazz musician is someone who, when given the alternative of parking his car in a lot or at a parking meter, leaves it in the yellow zone.

Kenny G just came out with a new record. It's called "Straight No Changes".

From: Peter Langston
Subject: Music Quotes
Forwarded-by: "Ford Prefect"

When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."

"Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like, it's always by Villa-Lobos?"       --Igor Stravinsky

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."       --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter."       --Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra

"We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again."       --Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal

"Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost."       --Anonymous

The great German conductor Hans von Buelow detested two members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and Schmidt. Upon being told that Schmidt had died, von Buelow immediately asked, "Und Schultz?"

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."       --Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

"Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20."       --David Randolph

"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time."       --Gioacchino Rossini

"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."       --Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress

"Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on."       --Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die Walkyre

Gawd... Larry Halpern sent me this particularly merciless trove of viola jokes. (Yes, click it, heh heh!)

From: Marie Eaton

A little guide to proper dress code for musicians.
    -Marie

From: Jim Barrett
Subject: Musical Cross Dressing

Blues jeans are the proper dress for tunes in G, D and A, the open string fiddle tune keys. The musical theory behind this is that when the fiddle players' blue jeans are so tight they can't bend their little fingers, they have to be able to use all the open strings -- G, D, A and E. That's called supply-and-demand music theory. And you can't do that in C.

To play in C -- you can sing in C, the people's key, wearing anything you want to -- but to play in C you have to be wearing a sport coat, or at least loafers with no socks. C and F are, in musicology, what we call the folk-preppie keys, not blue jeans keys. If you have any khaki pants, you might get by with the flannel shirt.

Now if you want to play in B-flat, E-flat or A-flat, that takes a suit. You've got to have matching pants and jacket, white shirt, dark tie and black, tie-up shoes for these keys. You also have to have someone else count the beat for you and tell you when to start in these keys. You cannot count for yourself and keep up with more than one flat at a time. It has never been considered proper to begin a piece in A-flat on your own, without someone else to give the starting signal.

D-flat and all the minor keys are tuxedo music. You have to sit down to play in these keys, and you must look straight ahead while you play in a minor key, and never at a another musician. He already knows he's playing the wrong note, and doesn't need your glance to show everyone else he's the one.

      -- Anon. (Dan Rowles ?)

From: Julie Mangin

I'll tell this one on myself. When I was in music school, I had to take instruction in instruments other than my major (piano). While practicing the bassoon in the band room, the jazz teacher, Bill Potts, walked through, and muttered, "...sounds like a goddam farting bedpost." So, now you know why I'm a librarian today.

From "Jazz Anecdotes" by Bill Crow, Oxford University Press

As he reset his drums, Barrett crouched beside his bass drum to adjust the spur. The host announced that the rabbi would now say the traditional prayer over the bread. Barrett didn't notice the microphone beside the bass drum as he muttered directly into it, "Never mind the bread, say a prayer for my drums."

From: Bluegrass music discussion.
From: Chris Stuart


[Chris, quoting from Frank Godbey -psl]

Announcing a New Service:

Banjo Exorcism

From "Jazz Anecdotes" by Bill Crow, Oxford University Press
[A very cool book.  ISBN 0-19-505588-8  -psl]

"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."

"Why not? You did it last time!"

    From: Claire Callahan

Hi Dan,

This was forwarded to me by the usual incestuous chain of email buddies.
How are you?

claire

    
I think he means "Tuffet". (cc)

        (C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
        DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

   ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
   + Michael S. Winstandley          3 OP 6                  (415) 506-3376 +
   + Oracle Work in Process                                                 +
   ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From: Peter Langston
Subject: MMJ (More Musician Jokes)

[Here are a few musician jokes that (probably) haven't appeared in Fun_People before. I edited this down by removing jokes that appeared in earlier Fun_People articles ranging from "Banjo Jokes (long posting)" of 10/29/92 to "Viola Jokes" of 1/21/95. -psl]

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic
Forwarded-by: Brad Pardee

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
A: Shoot 4 of them.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: There's a five pound note on the floor in a room with a bad drummer, a thrash guitarist, and a drummer who keeps good time. Who picks it up?
A: The bad drummer; the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: Your heart mends, you get out of jail, you get your job or your wife back, and you stop having fun. Oh, did I mention your dog comes back to life?

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

A guy walks into a shop.
"How much is a Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingy and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

Forwarded-by: George Osner

From: David Giampietro

Q: How many saxophone players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Not possible. They all have their mouths on the mouthpiece and their fingers in their ears!

Forwarded-by: Abraham, Lisanne

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims... At this point, you must understand two things: There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

To: uunet!wolfenet.com!Fun_People
Subject: Incident at a Roadside Cafe
Reply-To: uunet!acm.org!psl (Peter S. Langston)

Forwarded-by: Merlin Shepherd

To: Fun_People
Subject: From the Viola File...
Reply-To: Peter S. Langston

Subject: More Musician Jokes
From: Peter Langston
To: Fun_People

Forwarded-by: David Ward

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Q: What do 4 drum sets sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good idea!

Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: Year-at-a-Glance

Q: What do you call a accordionist with a beeper?
A: An optimist.

Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Look at that mandolin player's Cadillac!"

Q: Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
A: There's no place to hide your drugs.

Q: What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
A: The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.

Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"

Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato.
A2: The exhaust.

You may be a redneck saxophonist if...
...You have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
...You spell it "saxaphone."
...You think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...The gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
...You think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.

Q: How do you make a double bass play in-tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's a string quartet?
A: A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

Q: What's glissando?
A: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Q: What does "subito piano" mean:
A: It indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Q: What does "senza sordino" mean:
A: It's a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

Q: What's a half step?
A: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

From: Peter Langston
To: Fun_People
Subject: Translation Guide to a Recording Session

Translation Guide to a Recording Session

Musician to engineer: "Could we have more band in the phones?"
Translation: "The singer is too f**king loud in the phones!"

Singer to engineer: "I can't hear myself."
Translation: "I don't want to hear anyone but myself."

Musician to guitarist: "Can you hear yourself okay?"
Translation: "You're too f**king loud in the phones!"

Bassist to band: "Can everybody hear the drums?"
Translation: "This band is swinging like a broken record!"

Drummer to bassist: "Can you hear the kick drum?"
Translation: "We're not locking....."

Musician to producer: "Could we have more piano in the phones?"
Translation: "Your artist can't sing in tune."

Musician to writer: "This song has nice changes."
Translation: "It's amazing what you can do with two chords."

Musician to producer or artist: "This song sounds like a hit."
Translation: "This song sounds like another song."

Producer to band: "It's a feel thing."
Translation: "I know the song sucks, but the artist wrote it."

Musician to producer: "I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first take."
Translation: "Please don't make us play this piece of s**t again."

Drummer to band: "Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?"
Translation: "Do you all intend to keep rushing?"

Musician: "Could we listen to one in the control room?"
Translation: "These cheap phones make it sound like Radio Free Europe."

Producer to band: "Let's take a break and come back and try one more."
Translation: "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."

Musician to producer: "Were we booked for two sessions today?"
Translation: "Another three hours of this and I may have to kill you."

Producer to band: "We're supposed to be done at six, but we've got only one more tune and I was wondering if we could skip our dinner break and work straight through."
Translation: "You'll be done at nine, and you'll be starved."

Artist to producer: "I don't like this song. It really sucks."
Translation: "I didn't write this song."

Producer to artist: "Trust me. It is a good song. Radio will love it."
Translation: "F**k you! I own the publishing on this song. Morons will buy it."

Singer to musician: "Can you play something like (so-and-so) would play?"
Translation: "I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record."

Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing by Tony Levin In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." Yea, and it was so.

From: Peter Langston
To: Fun_People
Subject: Maestro Eugene Ormandy
Forwarded-by: Jack Doyle
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude
Forwarded-by: http://www.dataphone.se/~gberkson/ormandy.html

The Wit of Maestro Eugene Ormandy

Compiled by Gary Berkson

[Actually, some of these make perfect sense if you imagine them in the middle of an orchestral rehearsal... -psl]

Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.

Who is sitting in that empty chair?

I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo.

I conduct faster so you can see my beat.

I cannot give it to you, so try to watch me.

I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong.

I am thinking it right but beating it wrong.

I can conduct better than I count.

I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't.

I purposely didn't do anything, and you were all behind.

Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.

Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult.

It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.

The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.

I wrote it the right way, so it was copied the wrong way right. I mean the right way wrong.

At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69.

Watch me closely. Only one can spoil it.

Someone came in too sooner.

Start beforty-two.

Start three bars before something.

Start at B. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Did you play? It sounded very good.

Intonation is important, especially when it's cold.

Beauty is less important than quality.

If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there's enough missing already.

Percussion a little louder. ("We don't have anything.") That's right. Play it louder.

More basses, because you are so far away.

I need one more bass less.

There are no woodwinds at number 6. ("We're at number 15.") I know. That is why.

(To a tubist:) Long note? Yes. Make it seem short.

Brass, stay down all summer.

Don't play louder, just give more.

Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.

I don't want to repeat this a hundred times. When you see crescendo, it means p.

The tempo remains pp.

It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before.

We can't hear the balance because the soloist is still on the airplane.

Please follow me because I have to follow him, and he isn't here.

Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.

With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight.

He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.

Bizet was a very young man when he wrote this symphony, so play it soft.

Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean the fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play it third. The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player. It's named Blumine, which has something to do with flowers.

(On the death of David Oistrakh:) I told him he'd have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.

Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.

(On William Kapell's death:) Death is a terrible thing. I don't believe in it myself.

This is a very democratic organization, so let's take a vote. All those who disagree with me, raise their hands.

It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money, you have to be flexible.

Thank you for your cooperation, and vice versa.

I mean what I meant.

I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say something similar.

I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to.

Relax, don't be nervous. My God, it's the Philadelphia Orchestra.

From: Peter Langston
To: Fun_People
Subject: Happy New Year in Club Gig Land

He's frantic. He calls everyone he knows, but they're all booked. Finally, in desperation, he starts calling everyone in the union directory, and he finally books... a banjo player and an accordionist.

The gig is a smash!! The club owner books them back for next New Years with a hefty raise. The banjo player turns to the accordionist and says:"Great! We can leave our gear!"

These are courtesy of Michael Schippling...

From: Michael Schippling
To: Dan Keller
Subject: [Fwd: More Musical Humor]

Probably got this too....

-------- Original Message --------
From: Danny Carnahan

25 Things I've Learned about Music in 50 Years

By Jim Harbert, With Apologies to Dave Barry

1. The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to the number of violas in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why instrumental parts are written in transposed pitch. (Especially trumpet parts in E.)

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect pitch are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is defective.

4. The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its ability to drown out a rock concert.

5. You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double scale.

6. A string sample saved is worthless.

7. Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer...Yanni.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is Andrew Lloyd Webber.

9. The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "arranging" and "mental illness."

12. People who want you to listen to their music almost never want to listen to yours.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible musical themes, it spits out, "ONE LONG LOW SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER, " and this becomes the cue. The next time they need a cue, the computer spits out, "TWO LONG SCARY NOTES ON A SYNTHESIZER." And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers...along with TV producers and lawyers.

14. No group singer is normal.

15. At least once per year, Bill Conti will become very excited and announce that: (1) His producers loved the first theme he played for them; (2) They loved the second theme even more than the first; (3) He has never composed anything they didn't love.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason composers have not achieved, and never will achieve their full potential, that word would be "copyists."

17. The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film "Fantasia" in which they ripped-off Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" by paying his agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.

18. The value of a composer's agent is to convince the producer that using a music-cue library would be cheaper than hiring a composer.

19. If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger...Oliver Stone. But John Williams will write the score.

20. You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your inferiority complex.

21. A movie producer who is suddenly nice to you is not really a nice person. It means he is thinking about hiring another composer, probably John Williams.

22. No matter what happens at a recording session (for example, the players shout "Bravo" and applaud) somebody will still find something wrong with your music, and the producer will begin to have doubts. Serious doubts.

23. When musical problems in a film arise and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is the producer's brother-in-law. He is a (budding) composer.

24. Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.

25. Nobody cares if you can't compose music well. Just go ahead and compose. You are sure to succeed... if you suck up to the right person.

From: Philip Gordon

Welcome to Jazz Quote-A-Week...In the days unlike our own, jazz purists
issue fiats about what is or isn't valid in jazz...Jazz Quote-A-Week offers
these insightful musical quotes to you to start your week...

Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2001
_______________________________________________________________
This weeks' Jazz Quote-A-Week:


Shelley Manne gave an interviewer his definition of jazz musicians:

"We never play anything the same way once."


Have a great week!

What's your definition of a jazz musician?
_______________________________________________________________

Date: Mon, 7 May 2001
_______________________________________________________________
This weeks' Jazz Quote-A-Week:


When Buddy Rich checked into a hospital, the admitting nurse who filled out
his admission form asked if he was allergic to anything. "Country and Western
music," said Buddy.


Have a great week!
_______________________________________________________________

Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2002
_______________________________________________________________
This weeks' Jazz Quote-A-Week:


Bill Berry, from Woody Herman's Herd, once needed a bass player for a
last-minute job he had booked and couldn't find anyone in Southern California
who wasn't busy. After calling everyone he could think of, he begged Ray
Brown to bail him out. Ray agreed to do the favor. When Ray showed up at the
club, the owner was amazed. He asked Berry, "Isn't that Ray Brown?"
Bill shrugged helplessly. "I couldn't get anyone else!"


Have a great week!